The situations of life change moment to moment.  We find ourselves facing things we never thought we would have to face.  This is the place I find myself at this very moment.  My mother has frontal lobe dementia disorder which means that the frontal lobe of her brain is dying and shrinking. (Layman’s terms)  We have been dealing with this disease for the last 30 years.  It is slow in its progression which begins with a change in personality.  Then eventually it looks a lot like Alzheimer’s in the loss of memory.  Of course, I never thought I would have to face watching my mom disappear right before my eyes, not physically but mentally.  It has been a challenge…but God!

In the last month there have been changes occurring that have required more of my time.  I am now in charge of my mother’s physical hygiene.  It means I need to bathe her and wash her hair.  It is during these times when I think back on the care my mother had for me.  She would stand me on a chair by the coal stove in the living room every day before school and give me a sponge bath.  The other thought that enters my mind is that I want to treat her like I would like to be treated.  Someday it may be me sitting on the shower chair and my daughter gently washing my hair.  This is all very hard at times…but God!

Another thing that has just happened is that my mother is sleeping until 11:00 AM or even 1:30 PM.  This disturbs my dad a great deal.  This past weekend, I went to visit at about 1:00 PM and she was still in bed.  After many attempts to get her up, I decided to call my brother to let him know what was happening with mom.  As I was talking to him, something strange happened to me; a lump formed in my throat and I shed a few tears.  This was strange because I have stated many times that my mom has been gone for a very long time and I have grieved her already.  Obviously, I hadn’t really done that.  I would have kept living with the lie…but God!

The connecting thread in all of this is “but God”.   From the instant that my mother began to change, God’s grace was there for me.  I would like to say that I handled it well from the beginning but I didn’t.  Part of the problem was that I saw her personality change as sin.  Because of this my responses were not always pleasing to God.  I was judging her sin rather than seeking to help discover what the problem really was.  God said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9a.  He said the same thing to me just as He does to you in different circumstances of life.  It was through my weakness of not understanding that God broke through with grace to make me humble.  This humility led to a neurologist’s office and the answers we needed.  These answers gave me understanding and greater concern for my mother.

So progression happens in this disease “but God”.  Please know that bathing my mother was not on my bucket list.  It is not something I ever wanted to do.  God had other plans for me than I had.  His plans are perfect and what is best.  I could never do this apart from God’s grace.  “But he gives more grace…” James 4:6a  I can raise my hand in testimony to that very thing.  God gives more grace when we need it.  He provides all the grace we need in our time of need.  “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16  I need His grace every time I walk down the hall to take her to the shower.  I can’t do it myself.  I need Him.  What a joy to know how well He provides!

In all of this, I have had a real control problem “but God”.  One of my friends and I tease each other about having to have all of our ducks in a row.  We want our lives to line up and be under control.  In fact, speaking for myself, I want to tell those ducks where to walk and how to waddle.  So when I mentioned earlier about lying to myself concerning my grief over my mother, I am really speaking of a control issue.  In my mind, I thought if I could tell myself I was already over the loss of my mom then I would be.  NOT!!  In that short conversation with my brother, God revealed my heart to me.  “Whatever the LORD pleases, He does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps.” Psalm 135:6  I am not God.  I am not in control.  I need to allow myself to be sad over the situation with my mother.  I need to remember that some ducks seem to go their own way but God controls all the ducks in my world.

In times of trouble remember “but God”.  He has your back.  He holds your hand.  He leads the way.  All He asks is that you believe and follow Him as you walk through the valley and He walks beside you.

You are probably wondering if I got my mom out of bed.  I sure did at around 1:30 PM with the promise of a breakfast which consisted of her favorite peanut butter and graham crackers.  Yep, that’s my mom!